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- It's just best to avoid Tiger
It's just best to avoid Tiger
- By Jim McCabe
- Published 02/26/2008
- Commentary
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Rating:
“Good afternoon, class. First of all, congratulations on achieving your PGA Tour cards. It’s quite an accomplishment. You should be proud of yourselves.”
More than two-dozen wide-eyed, Titanium-toting, pencil-shaped young men practiced their take-aways and their hip turns and barely listened to the PGA Tour ambassador. They had, indeed, achieved their dream and now they wanted to play golf, not listen to speeches. But the PGA Tour ambassador continued.
“Let’s start with your goals. Keep them realistic. Spare yourself from hideous embarrassment and never, ever mention to any reporter that you would like to someday challenge Tiger Woods . . . “
A young man wearing wrap-around sunglasses raised his hand.
“Pardon me, but I’ve had a sports psychologist since I was 11 and he encourages me to envision myself playing against the best — and that would be Tiger Woods. I think it’s healthy to do so. I dream of making the Accenture Match Play and getting him in the first round.”
“That would be a nightmare, son, not a dream. And I’d fire your sports psychologist right now — unless, of course, you embrace 7 and 6 beatings. Now, back to what I was saying. You are not going to suggest to anyone that you could some day challenge Tiger Woods … “
Another young man interrupted. He was practicing his plumb-bobbing in the corner and suggested that he agreed with the PGA Tour official — up to a point.
“I don’t think I can challenge him right now, but my dad — he’s my coach, too — and I have talked about a three-year plan,” said the young man.
“Son, your dad’s three-year plan is to take enough of your earnings and buy his Florida retirement home. Yours should have no mention of Woods in it, because Tiger will win 28 times in the next three years and unless you plan on doing the same, you don’t have a prayer of getting within 61 miles of him in the world rankings.”
At least a dozen of the rookie pros disconnected their phone calls to their agents when they heard that. The blunt talk was unsettling.
“Hey, it’s going to be fun to at least tee it up with him,” said one of the young pros.
The PGA Tour ambassador shook his head. “With a schedule I suggest, you probably won’t see him,” he said. “There’s the ‘Tiger Tour’ — you know, majors and World Golf Championships. You’re not on that.”
He could see by the sad eyes that he had deflated their dreams, so he laughed.
“Come on, smile. Guys, there is roughly $280 million in prize money and even as great as Tiger is, he’s only going to take $12 million or so. That leaves $268 million up for grabs.”
“Yeah,” said one young man, “but I’m not playing for the money. I’m playing to win.”
The PGA Tour ambassador howled.
“I can see you’ve studied the clichés. Good for you. Well, if you’re here to win, I’m here to help. Your schedule starts with the Sony Open and follows with the Hope . . . “
“Then the Buick Invitational?” he asked.
“You’d have a better chance at playing mixed doubles with Maria Sharapova than beating Woods at Torrey. Take the week off and prepare for Pebble Beach.”
“But I don’t like bumpy greens,” the player said.
“Neither does Tiger, but let’s remember, you’re not Tiger. Never will be, either, which is why you have to start thinking Texas.”
“Excuse me?”
“Shell Houston Open. The EDS Byron Nelson Championship. The Crowne Plaza Invitational at Colonial. The Texas Open. Boys, I’ve just given you 22.6 million reasons to head to Texas. That’s the prize money up for grabs in those four stops — and Tiger has left it all for you, because he will skip those.”
Around the room, players removed their Bluetooths. The ambassador had their attention.
“And go opposite-field, my friends. Mexico in February, Puerto Rico in March, Reno in July. You’ll have a chance to win lots of money, but no chance of getting whooped by Tiger.”
“But it sure would be cool to play in a World Golf Championship,” said one of the young studs.
“Yeah, really special,” said the ambassador. “Ask Vijay Singh how great they are. He’s played in 24 of them and hasn’t won one of them. Meantime, Woods has won 15 of ‘em. Ask Fred Funk if he’s going to return the $1,170,000 he got from his two opposite-field wins.”
No one objected, so the ambassador continued.
“Hopefully you enjoy the out-of-way places, because you’ll be playing at Hilton Head in April, Cromwell, Connecticut, in June, then Silvis, Illinois, and Milwaukee in July.”
“I thought the British Open was in July,” said a young man.
The ambassador scowled. “It could be, if you prefer to help Tiger Woods raise another Claret Jug into his private plane. But if you want a chance to win, book your room in Milwaukee — and while you’re at it, reserve accommodations for the Canadian Open, in Greensboro, and in Mississippi … “
“Mississippi? We’re going to Mississippi?”
“It’ll be beautiful in September, trust me. And so will Vernon, New York, where you’ll be playing in the Turning Stone Resort Championship, or Las Vegas in October for the Justin Timberlake Shriners Hospitals for Children Open, or Florida in November for the Ginn Sur Mer Classic. No Tiger, but no worries, either. He’s built a world big and rich enough to support hundreds of you fellas, even if he’s only there for a third of it. Heck, the last seven weeks of the season alone, there’s $32.4 million up for grabs and he’ll be on his yacht and not in position to win a penny of it. He said it’s all yours.”
“Wow, it sounds like we owe him,” said one player. “I think I’ll thank him if we ever cross paths.”
“Do it quickly,” said the ambassador, “before he beats your ass.”
More than two-dozen wide-eyed, Titanium-toting, pencil-shaped young men practiced their take-aways and their hip turns and barely listened to the PGA Tour ambassador. They had, indeed, achieved their dream and now they wanted to play golf, not listen to speeches. But the PGA Tour ambassador continued.
“Let’s start with your goals. Keep them realistic. Spare yourself from hideous embarrassment and never, ever mention to any reporter that you would like to someday challenge Tiger Woods . . . “
A young man wearing wrap-around sunglasses raised his hand.
“Pardon me, but I’ve had a sports psychologist since I was 11 and he encourages me to envision myself playing against the best — and that would be Tiger Woods. I think it’s healthy to do so. I dream of making the Accenture Match Play and getting him in the first round.”
“That would be a nightmare, son, not a dream. And I’d fire your sports psychologist right now — unless, of course, you embrace 7 and 6 beatings. Now, back to what I was saying. You are not going to suggest to anyone that you could some day challenge Tiger Woods … “
Another young man interrupted. He was practicing his plumb-bobbing in the corner and suggested that he agreed with the PGA Tour official — up to a point.
“I don’t think I can challenge him right now, but my dad — he’s my coach, too — and I have talked about a three-year plan,” said the young man.
“Son, your dad’s three-year plan is to take enough of your earnings and buy his Florida retirement home. Yours should have no mention of Woods in it, because Tiger will win 28 times in the next three years and unless you plan on doing the same, you don’t have a prayer of getting within 61 miles of him in the world rankings.”
At least a dozen of the rookie pros disconnected their phone calls to their agents when they heard that. The blunt talk was unsettling.
“Hey, it’s going to be fun to at least tee it up with him,” said one of the young pros.
The PGA Tour ambassador shook his head. “With a schedule I suggest, you probably won’t see him,” he said. “There’s the ‘Tiger Tour’ — you know, majors and World Golf Championships. You’re not on that.”
He could see by the sad eyes that he had deflated their dreams, so he laughed.
“Come on, smile. Guys, there is roughly $280 million in prize money and even as great as Tiger is, he’s only going to take $12 million or so. That leaves $268 million up for grabs.”
“Yeah,” said one young man, “but I’m not playing for the money. I’m playing to win.”
The PGA Tour ambassador howled.
“I can see you’ve studied the clichés. Good for you. Well, if you’re here to win, I’m here to help. Your schedule starts with the Sony Open and follows with the Hope . . . “
“Then the Buick Invitational?” he asked.
“You’d have a better chance at playing mixed doubles with Maria Sharapova than beating Woods at Torrey. Take the week off and prepare for Pebble Beach.”
“But I don’t like bumpy greens,” the player said.
“Neither does Tiger, but let’s remember, you’re not Tiger. Never will be, either, which is why you have to start thinking Texas.”
“Excuse me?”
“Shell Houston Open. The EDS Byron Nelson Championship. The Crowne Plaza Invitational at Colonial. The Texas Open. Boys, I’ve just given you 22.6 million reasons to head to Texas. That’s the prize money up for grabs in those four stops — and Tiger has left it all for you, because he will skip those.”
Around the room, players removed their Bluetooths. The ambassador had their attention.
“And go opposite-field, my friends. Mexico in February, Puerto Rico in March, Reno in July. You’ll have a chance to win lots of money, but no chance of getting whooped by Tiger.”
“But it sure would be cool to play in a World Golf Championship,” said one of the young studs.
“Yeah, really special,” said the ambassador. “Ask Vijay Singh how great they are. He’s played in 24 of them and hasn’t won one of them. Meantime, Woods has won 15 of ‘em. Ask Fred Funk if he’s going to return the $1,170,000 he got from his two opposite-field wins.”
No one objected, so the ambassador continued.
“Hopefully you enjoy the out-of-way places, because you’ll be playing at Hilton Head in April, Cromwell, Connecticut, in June, then Silvis, Illinois, and Milwaukee in July.”
“I thought the British Open was in July,” said a young man.
The ambassador scowled. “It could be, if you prefer to help Tiger Woods raise another Claret Jug into his private plane. But if you want a chance to win, book your room in Milwaukee — and while you’re at it, reserve accommodations for the Canadian Open, in Greensboro, and in Mississippi … “
“Mississippi? We’re going to Mississippi?”
“It’ll be beautiful in September, trust me. And so will Vernon, New York, where you’ll be playing in the Turning Stone Resort Championship, or Las Vegas in October for the Justin Timberlake Shriners Hospitals for Children Open, or Florida in November for the Ginn Sur Mer Classic. No Tiger, but no worries, either. He’s built a world big and rich enough to support hundreds of you fellas, even if he’s only there for a third of it. Heck, the last seven weeks of the season alone, there’s $32.4 million up for grabs and he’ll be on his yacht and not in position to win a penny of it. He said it’s all yours.”
“Wow, it sounds like we owe him,” said one player. “I think I’ll thank him if we ever cross paths.”
“Do it quickly,” said the ambassador, “before he beats your ass.”
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Comments
Comment #1 (Posted by Mel Robinson)
Rating:
Funny and probably excellent advice for the aspiring touring pro.
Comment #2 (Posted by golfzilla)
Rating:
Reality sucks, but making a good living can puff your world back up even in Tiger isn't it for a while.
Comment #3 (Posted by Paul Anderson)
Rating:
A great read. Thanks Jim.
Those darned "reality checks" do, from time to time, come crashing down on us like a ton of bricks - but it's still one of the best parts of life to dream that one day you'll pick that last brick off the floor and set it in as the final keystone of the castle you've always dreamed of.
I say head to Texas, and Milwaukee, but don't lose sight of wanting to tee it up with El Tigre' one day, mano-a-mano - because THAT'S what has always made this country, and us as a people, who we are.
Then again, perhaps I've seen too many old Westerns.
Comment #4 (Posted by BigRK)
Rating:
Golf is an intoxicating mistress who holds universal powers over her victims. My advice is this. Go with the flow. It'll be the ride of your life!
Now that Carolyn Bivens has further explained in Golf World the LPGA’s initiative to impose English proficiency standards next year on players under penalty of suspension, things have become more clear and substantiated. It’s clear that Bivens keeps exhibiting her lack of understanding of her job as LPGA commissioner.
Bob Tway could easily be part of the FedEx Cup's first playoff tournament, The Barclays, but the 49-year-old has different priorities this week. Instead of attempting to secure his PGA Tour card for 2009, Tway is carrying the bag of 20-year-old son Kevin at this week's U.S. Amateur Championship.
Enough, already. We get the point. Actually, we got the point four months and 3,762 references ago, because that’s about how many times we have been subjected to this nonsense about something Ben Hogan may have said 57 years ago.
Michelle Wie was on the verge of something big last week at the LPGA State Farm Classic — her first professional win. But a rules infraction got her DQ'd on Saturday. Now she'll go after that first win on the PGA Tour, and likely won't forget to sign her card.